Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu