gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.