*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅