*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.