*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
how much does a mortician urn in a year
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead