*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.