Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A