*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
