*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My dad is at it again
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.