Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.