Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?