@TheAlexNevil

*gently runs finger down your cheek

*checks finger for dust

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@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy ūüėČ is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@dumbbeezie

*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*