*gently runs finger down your cheek

*checks finger for dust

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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”


“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”


You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”


What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?


Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.


If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.


[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover


devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat


I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.


Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC