“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*gently runs finger down your cheek
*checks finger for dust
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You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order
I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’ve been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up
Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!
Wife: I know!
Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC