Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
is this a warning or an offer?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.