Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise