Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plums roundup

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster