[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
This hospital has everything
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Tuesday
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan