Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

if you relate to me, get some help

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

☠️ ☠️

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.