[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no