Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.