Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Morning.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.