Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.