Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.