Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

the official breakfast of 2021

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.