Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly