Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

🤣😈🤣

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead