Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.