Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife