*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.