Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.