Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Free him

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.