Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.