Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
“How’s your day going?”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.