Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is a sign that you need a union

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.