Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
the official breakfast of 2021
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit