Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
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Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
😤😤
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die