Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things