Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners