Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion