Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]