Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.