George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Unexpected Judgment
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien