Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.