george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Yes my dude
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.