Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

I need to sieze this.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.