Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

LOL

sleeping beauty

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

don’t we all

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand