Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”