George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
i would wish you the best but i am the best
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd