George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.