Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”