Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

How do dragons blow out candles?

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Cheer up.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.