Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

long lost

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

we’re gonna need another temp

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

in the ocean

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”