GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.