George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!