Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Flowers bee like

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

*mops up wine with cat*

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.