Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

is it too early for christmas memes

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

car not found

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible