Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

realest tweet ever.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.