@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

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@truegritrumble

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

@BGH70

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

@aotakeo

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

@AtticusFinch79

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

@Moldy_Jellybean

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

@Vodkantots

I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.

@TomTheWicked

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.

@nicky_prada

Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”