George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
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[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time