George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.


I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.


The Golden Globe goes to…


… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.


I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations


Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both


Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.


I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.


Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.


Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”