ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
You Might Also Like
I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.
The Golden Globe goes to…
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?
Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”
Me: “I’m not even physically active”