Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine