Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”