Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.