Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Printer ink is expensive

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape