Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
you’re damn right i have
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
channeling her this year
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.