Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The government even made aliens boring
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.