[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
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Have you ever been so upset you cried in Spanish.
Will I ever be a good parent?
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.