Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”