Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Asking the real questions!

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.