Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Did my cat write this

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…