Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Oh, I bet you would be

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%