Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

you could not pay me to delete this app

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’