Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?