Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

this is 10/10 content no notes

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

why does this building look like a guilty dog

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Hank is one in a melon.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some