German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
old twitter is back baby
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
He took my last fry, your honor
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.