German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Hmmmmmmm….
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
A double negative is a big no-no.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.